Evolution has hardwired into us a fight-or-flight response.  When we feel threatened, we either wish to remove the threat through force or to flee from it, and anxiety is the engine that drives our survival in such circumstances.  In times of crisis, the intense feeling can insure we do what will best protect us.

Still, if you don’t wish to live 24 hours a day in a heighted state of alert, what can you do about it?  Cognitive therapy exercises, in which we check out the reality of our perception by looking at the evidence, can reassure us. Psychological science suggests three things.

First, get real by doing the math.  Step back and calculate the odds that you’re at risk for Ebola.  There are currently 319,000,000 people in the United States.  Even if a million people came down with it, you’d still have less than one-third of one percent chance of contracting it.  In other words, there is over a 99% chance you’d be just fine in even the worst-case scenario.  Doing the math demonstrates the fear of Ebola in the United States is irrational.

Second, talk to others about your fears.  The upside of anxiety is that it can motivate us to seek out others for support, and this releases the feel-good brain chemical, oxytocin.  If you follow nature’s lead and talk with others, you’ll feel better.  It’s based in brain science.  Moreover, friends can reassure us that the 24 hour news cycle makes Ebola seem much more pervasive than it is and give us perspective when our thought process stops being useful. Turning off the media reports and tuning into relationships is actually a much better gauge of your specific reality.

Third, do something positive by helping others.  A proven way to manage stress is to take control of what you can and let go of what you can’t.  What’s in your control with the Ebola crisis?  Aside from washing your hands regularly, which is always a good practice to avoid contagious diseases, you can also draw upon your fear as a motivation to help others.  Take charge of your anxiety by participating in efforts to provide relief, such as food, medicine, and finances, to people suffering from Ebola in West Africa.  Rather than wringing your hands in fear, you’ll be doing something tangible, and you’ll also have the added satisfaction that comes with helping others; which, by the way, is one of the most effective methods of all to feel better about yourself and the world around you.

So, as the Ebola situation unfolds, take a deep breath and channel your anxiety into something productive. It’s good science – and a life well lived.

We are looking to gather opinions from people like you about what contributes to ministerial effectiveness within your church.  Through collaboration with Work Effects, a leadership consulting firm, we are developing a state-of-the-art assessment for ministerial effectiveness.  By taking a brief survey to assist in our research, you will be helping to provide the critical data we need.  Results will be confidential and anonymous and will only be used for the research and development of the assessment.

Are you interested in playing a role in finding and equipping the next generation’s leaders in ministry?  It takes 5 to 10 minutes of your time to complete the survey.  If you are a denominational leader, you can choose to complete the survey with either your congregation or a congregation with whom you work in mind.

Click on this link to take the survey, https://ncmdc.org/survey

Jody R. Johnson, M.Div., LICSW

In our hurry-up world, it’s tough to take time out, much less to intentionally do nothing.  And for those in ministry, there are added pressures to be productive, ‘on’, and available.  When the well runs dry, people may continue to do effective ministry for a time, but eventually problems will surface- perhaps in a sense of ‘dryness’, irritability or depression, physical ailments, or tension at home.  Centering prayer can offer those in ministry an oasis of spiritual refreshment that overflows into service.

Centering prayer is an ancient Christian contemplative practice that has received new life over the past couple of decades through the work of Father Thomas Keating and, more recently, Cynthia Bourgeault.  It is both a relationship with God and a discipline to foster that relationship.  This simple but transformative practice helps calm the mind and anchor attention in the presence of God.  Over time, the practice helps to create space within us for the Holy Spirit to heal wounds and resolve conflicts, so that we can live more and more out of the reality of God’s love and more fully aligned with His will.  Indeed, Thomas Keating calls Centering prayer “Divine Psychotherapy”; “We sit while God heals”, says Keating.

Though effortless, the practice of Centering prayer is not necessarily easy.  Silence is uncomfortable for most people at first, and detaching from thoughts takes practice.  Without support of some kind, many new practitioners quit in frustration after a few weeks or drift away, wondering what is really going on and whether this is making any difference.  The fruits of Centering prayer, however, like the fruits of the Spirit, come not so much in the experience itself as in our daily lives.  Often, it is others who first notice that we may seem a bit more patient, less frantic, or more open-minded.  When the volume is turned down on the usual din of thoughts, people often find themselves more able to recall their connection to God in the midst of other experiences, even stressful ones.  And, awareness of God in the present enhances discernment about where God may be leading us in the future.

In keeping with our mission to foster health and wholeness for lives of service, NCMDC is now offering Centering prayer-based spiritual direction.  Jody R. Johnson, M.Div, LICSW, is a psychotherapist and trained presenter/teacher of Centering prayer through National Contemplative Outreach.  She will be offering individual and group spiritual direction based on the practice of Centering prayer.  In the context of a spiritual direction relationship, sessions will include teaching and practice of Centering prayer as well ongoing conversation and discernment around where the Spirit may be working in one’s personal life.

To learn more or to schedule an appointment, contact Jody at (651) 636 – 5120 or jodyreisjohnson@comcast.net

As part of its mission to foster health and wholeness for lives of service, NCMDC is now offering Centering prayer-based spiritual direction.  Jody R. Johnson, M.Div, LICSW, is a psychotherapist and trained presenter/teacher of Centering prayer through National Contemplative Outreach.  She will be offering individual and group spiritual direction based on the practice of Centering prayer.  Centering prayer is both a relationship with God and a discipline to foster that relationship.  Rooted in Scripture as well as the Christian contemplative tradition, the practice helps people ‘anchor’ their attention in God, enhance discernment of God’s Will, heal inner conflicts, and manifest the ‘fruits of the Spirit’ in their daily lives.  In the context of a spiritual direction relationship, sessions will include teaching and practice of Centering prayer as well ongoing conversation and discernment around where the Spirit may be working in one’s personal life.

For more information or to set up an appointment, contact Jody at (651) 636 -5120 or jodyreisjohnson@comcast.net   

At our center, we have developed a competency model that measures the skills and developmental needs of candidates for ministry across ten domains.  We typically work with candidates for ministry at two points.  Almost all denominations require a candidate assessment at the start of a person’s ministerial training (Phase I); and several denominations require a second candidate assessment after the person has received training and served a congregation for a significant period of time (Phase II).  Given these two phases, we’re able to track what are the strengths and developmental needs before a person enters ministry and after an individual has served in ministry for a number of years.  Surprisingly, the data appear remarkably similar at both points.

Here’s the good news.  Among the ten competency areas, these two appear as well-developed skills in both brand new and experienced candidates for ministry:  Relationship Building (quality of personal relationships, awareness of impact on others, empathy) and Leadership Potential (ability to both claim authority and share it).  By the time candidates meet with us a second time, 78% are judged to have superior relationship building skills and 70% exhibit significant leadership potential as top strengths.

What about developmental areas?  Our research suggests these two areas are highly critical:  Conflict Management (ability to be both collaborative and courageous) and Self-Awareness (self-insight about strengths and limitations).  And here’s the interesting thing.  Both become more acute as developmental areas by Phase II after a candidate has served in ministry for a significant portion of time.

What’s happening?  We believe that actual ministry experience can be an unsettling experience for many candidates, and they come to question themselves.  This can be quite healthy and developmentally necessary.  When we see them at Phase II, they are in the midst of reassessing their strengths and limitations, and they have come to realize the need for better conflict management skills.  Our data show that over two-thirds would benefit from focused training in conflict management and over half would be helped by taking proactive steps to increase self-awareness, such as through coaching and counseling.  To enhance ministry effectiveness, we believe the development of these two skills to be essential.  Although some candidates for ministry may resist the idea of coaching or counseling, the research in emotional intelligence identifies self-awareness as foundational in people’s ability to manage emotions and maintain emotional well-being.

At NCMDC, we offer coaching, counseling, and intensive two-day leadership programs to assist seminarians, clergy, and others in ministry.  We would welcome the opportunity to talk with you about specific ways we can help your seminarians and clergy with the development of conflict management and leadership skills, as well as the deeper work of self-awareness.

Join us in the northwoods for a time of reflection and renewal!

The purpose of this retreat is for clergy, seminarians, and interested spouses to receive clarity about the challenges and dynamics of maintaining healthy friendships outside of the congregation, and to create new paths to deeper friendships.  This retreat is led by Rev. Dr. Beth Donaldson, lead minister, New Brighton UCC, and Rev. Dr. Mark Sundby, Executive Director, North Central Ministry Development Center.  It is co-sponsored by United Theological Seminary.  Cost for the workshop (which includes lodging and meals) is $285 per attendee.  For more information and to register, please call Gaynelle Erickson at North Central Ministry Development Center, (651) 636-5120.

To read a reflection on this topic by Beth, follow this link, https://ncmdc.org/blog/resources/clergy-good-people-bad-friends-3/

Rev. Dr. Beth A. Donaldson

United Church of Christ in New Brighton

CLERGY – Good People; Bad Friends!

GOOD PEOPLE ARE GOOD FRIENDS: PREACH IT!

In my almost twenty years as a preacher and pastoral care giver as a local church minister I have proclaimed the good and salvific nature of community and right relationships regularly. I have shared story after story of how loving relationships, including friendships, matter in our world – of how we are called, as human beings, to be in communion with one another and how we, at our best, can express our faithfulness to God through our faithfulness to one another. I have never doubted the value of deep and abiding relationships, and have strived to show each member of every church I have served that they are important to God by any variety of expressions of care, compassion, and valuing I was able to share. I believe in the transformative power of friendship and encourage people to work through challenges in friendships and other relationships with hopeful integrity. Friendships, from casual to deep, are at the core of what I believe can and will change the world. It is, in fact, in part because of this belief, that I am a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

A RUDE AWAKENING

A few weeks after the end of my most recent sabbatical I had occasion to gather with other clergy from my Conference. I looked around the room as I entered it, and became aware of an overarching sense of resentment and sadness that I felt as I took inventory of who was there. There was Sue (not her real name), whom I had tried to contact at the beginning of my sabbatical through email, but who had never gotten back to me. There was Sam, whose turn “it” in our months long game of phone tag. There was person after person in that room whom I had desired to connect with, or with whom I had perhaps already had some connection and was trying to cultivate and deepen that connection.  But for each of those same people, in turn, it had been months since I had heard from them. My immediate and admittedly insecure response was to believe that I was rejected by them all and that there was something wrong with me. I wanted to leave the gathering in an indignant huff – my conscious thought was, “These people are bad friends!”

Then, by some miracle of grace, I remembered the months and years before my sabbatical, when I had not been able to remember to return phone calls and emails from my colleagues because there were so many more pressing things to deal with on any given day. I remembered how delinquent I had been on many occasions in responding to other people wanting my time, whether professionally or socially, but how I had neglected to do so for those who might be or might become my friends. I remembered! I remembered what a bad friend I had been to many of these same people.

As I realized this truth, looking around the room and remembering that most of the times I had enjoyed with my colleagues had been genuinely good – authentic and rich in conversation, and humor, and compassion – I considered what it was that had caused me not to return their phone calls more quickly and readily. The answer was not hard to discern, and I’m fairly sure it rings true for many clergy.

THE DEMANDS OF MINISTRY

I spend so much energy opening my heart and schedule to the needs and concerns of my congregation and to my responsibilities as a local church minister (including work related to the Conference, the nearby Seminary, and any other greater church and community work) that my plate is daily more full than I can manage, and I am usually functioning in a mode of taking care of the most pressing and immediate concerns at best. Time with friends regularly falls off the plate. I also realized that as a compensated introvert (someone who has developed her extrovert side in order to function well in work that requires her to be with and in front of people much of the time,) the little time I do have “free” I will often give to being alone for my own renewal. The energy needed to not only find the time and arrange the location, but also actually be with others, even if socially more renewing in some ways, is/was exhausting! Thus, the energy it takes to develop friendships in this line of work is often not spent; the ball is often dropped… the call is often not returned… the email goes unanswered… and clergy find themselves to be, in effect, bad friends.

BAD FRIENDS: THE IRONY OF WORK/PERSONAL REALITY

The statement, “Good People; Bad Friends” might thus seem to be obvious. But I have mentioned this perception to colleague after colleague and have seen them come to the realization that this is actually true, and not good. I was stunned when I realized that I was a bad friend! As obvious as it seems, it did come as a surprise.

And, it came as a deep disappointment to my sense of integrity. How can I, who preach about the value of friendship almost every Sunday, in one way or another, be so untrue to what I preach?

BAD FRIENDS: THE DEMANDS OF A PROFESSIONAL ETHIC

I then also reflected on the bigger loss relating to friendship that has come with pastoral ministry: leaving the church behind. Our professional ethics, which I have touted and supported in my role on more than one Committee on Ministry of the United Church of Christ, demand that we almost completely sever ties with churches when we leave. Our code of healthy boundaries says we should remove ourselves from all relationships with members of the church we are leaving in order for the minister who follows to have room to develop relationships and establish his or her identity in that context.

For me, this, combined with the challenging reality of needing to forge new relationships with my new congregation, meant that after serving a very loving and generous community for ten years, when I left, I had neither the permission nor the ability to continue to relate to people with whom I had felt close. Even though I had allowed friendships between myself and all the members of the church while I was their pastor, believing that friendship was a part of how I could be a transformative leader, I neither wanted to communicate any favoritism among that community (which I had worked hard to avoid all those ten years), nor did I want to be a problem to my successor when I left. So, in reality, I, as politely and lovingly as I could, cut all ties with this wonderful group of people, and in effect, I abandoned my friends!

BAD FRIENDS: THE RESULT OF BURNOUT

Finally, when I had been at my current setting for the requisite six years before my sabbatical came along, I found myself completely disinterested in other people. I worried, in those last months leading up to my time of rest, that I had become a bit pathological. I could hear stories on the television or radio of sad and tragic events in the lives of others, or would get word from loved ones who were suffering or struggling, and in turn, I struggled to muster any real concern or interest. I felt disconnected from my own ability to feel; I couldn’t find my compassion any more. I felt numb much of the time. Yet I preached compassion every week… and continued to meet the needs of my congregants. I found myself increasingly disconnected from any true desire to commune with others, and had not only no time, but also no interest in trying to be with friends.

After two months of doing almost nothing productive and getting a good amount of rest, during the third month of my sabbatical, I found it thus revelatory to discover actual feelings of interest in other people again. I rejoiced to actually find curiosity and concern for others returning to my thoughts, soul, and spirit. I was surprised to want to write letters and make phone calls, and I was so grateful to realize that I was not actually an unfeeling psychopath – but that I had been exhausted in a way I had not known possible! I had become a bad friend because I had nothing else in me to give.

GOOD PEOPLE OR BAD FRIENDS? THE HARD QUESTION

Clergy: Good people; Bad Friends! It would be a cute phrase if the implications of it weren’t so critical to our population and calling. How do we reconcile that the work we do results in the opposite effect of what we are hoping to create for others in our own lives? How do we counter the effects of shame and low self-respect that often come along with failing to do what we proclaim to be so essential to our faith and so redemptive to person and community? How do we claim for ourselves what we are offering others, when there are so many obstacles to healthy friendships inherent in our work and professional ethics? Where do we find the friendships we need, and the ability to be the friends we want to be, while at the same time doing the work we love and to which we feel so called? Do these issues point to the fact that clergy can only be good friends if we are bad people (we don’t fulfill our commitments to good boundaries or workload)?  Or do these issues imply that we can only be “good people,” (i.e. good clergy,) if we continue to be bad friends? How do we find a balance between our passion for ministry, and our need for renewal through friendships as well as other endeavors?

ADDENDUM for CLERGY SPOUSES

As a person who has never been married, it is my fantasy that being so would make these issues less true. But my perception and the experiences shared with me by colleagues indicate that the issue of friendship is one with which the spouses of clergy also struggle. Clergy spouses deal with a myriad of issues that need to be brought into the dialogue about this issue, including:

• The isolation of living in the “fish-bowl” that a congregation can be.
• The complicated historical and cultural expectations of being a “Pastor’s wife”, (especially if you are a pastor’s husband!)
• The challenge of accompanying a spouse into ministry as a second career, (“I didn’t marry a minister!).
• The challenge of holiday seasons being given to the church – the “off” schedule required at these times.
• The powerlessness of accompanying a partner while dealing with conflict in the church.
• The pain of dealing with marital conflict while needing to portray peace in the congregation.

These are just some of the ways that this issue is complex and in some cases compounded for the spouses of clergy.

LET’S TALK ABOUT IT

It is my assertion that if we begin by talking about this issue, we might find both some relief from our pain and isolation, and some answers to how we might do things differently. Please join us for our retreat on October 15-17 at the ARC Retreat Center, and join in this conversation.

Individual #1

“Look, I understand what you did but that’s not the point. The point is that you didn’t do what I asked you to do and that bothers me. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

Individual #2

“Well you don’t think your response bothers me? I was trying to be helpful but instead of gratitude for my effort I only get told that I was wrong in what I did.

You know how that makes me feel? It doesn’t make me feel happy at all.”

Individual #1

“Wait, don’t turn this back on you. I’m trying to make a point here, and besides I didn’t mean to hurt you by what I said. I was just trying to explain my side of the story, what I wanted accomplished all along.”

Individual #2

“Well you did hurt me and right now I don’t even care about what you wanted because you obviously don’t seem to care about what I’m saying right now.”

Individual #1

“I give up! You obviously don’t understand me!”

We’ve all experienced conversations like these, and they are never easy. Whether they are with family, friends, or co-workers, these kinds of conversations are difficult and usually lead to anyone involved feeling like they’ve been hurt and misunderstood. How do we get past these discussion roadblocks? How do we get to a point of trying to hear each other, listen to each other, and understand each other when so many emotions are involved? No doubt, it’s difficult…but not impossible. With a little patience, a little courage, and a little practice, even conversations that are on the path to emotional battlefields can be turned around towards discussions that eventually bring two people closer together while still getting the problem resolved.

Here are five steps to consider taking to help you become more adept at managing these kinds of emotionally charged scenarios:

1. Recognize the discussion has become an emotional one, and that you in fact have become emotionally charged.
1. This sounds easier than it actually is for many of us. We tend to focus on another’s emotions and remain blind to what’s happening to us internally. This needs to change if we want to learn how to manage our emotions during conflicts.
2. Ask for a time-out of 5-10 minutes to cool down if possible and don’t forget to return to the discussion if a time-out is agreed upon.
1. Doing this allows you to cool down your emotions before they fully take over your actions and words in ways you may regret later.
3. During the time-out, attempt to soothe yourself with some deep-breathing, reflective prayer, or simple stretching exercises.
1. Doing these activities engages the human ability to soothe ourselves; a very important step in negotiating heated discussions.
4. Before you return to the discussion, tell yourself that both you and the other individual have valuable and valid perspectives to add to the discussion.
1. Thinking in terms of ‘who is right and who is wrong’ will inevitably derail any attempts to resolve a problem discussion; better to acknowledge that both sides bring important perspectives to the conversation and try to work out a solution with all information on the table.
5. When returning to the problem discussion, acknowledge and make repairs as necessary for anything said or done that may have caused harmed during the initial discussion.
1. Even without intent of doing harm, people can be wounded during emotional discussions and problems have a better chance of being resolved, and the relationship being maintained, if these wounds are acknowledged and dealt with openly.

These steps may seem simple when read aloud, but for many of us it takes a good amount of practice, patience with ourselves and others, and more practice to develop the kind of ability to manage emotionally charged discussions well. The good news is, no matter how strong or weak we may feel we are at managing these kinds of conversations, with intent, practice, and compassion towards ourselves as we grow in these kinds of relationship areas, anyone can improve their ability to communicate and be understood!

Ten months ago an east coast pastor asked his board if he were still the right person to lead their flock. He had been serving the congregation for 19 years, but they’d been struggling over the past three years. The board went away on a two-day retreat to pray for their minister and the church. They returned and informed the pastor that they sensed the Spirit was saying that it was time for new leadership in the church. On the surface he handled the news well, but internally he was shocked. At age 61 he questioned: “What will I do; where will I go?”

Over the following months all the stages of grief and loss were experienced by pastor and spouse. And while intellectually he recognized the need to move on, emotionally he, and especially his wife, felt abandoned. Nevertheless, while some pastoral tenures end in an ugly fashion, both church and minister handled this exit with class. An evening for celebration, a card shower (with gifts encouraged) and a more than generous transitions gift (severance package) were provided. The board even provided several months of professional counseling and career guidance.

A consultant friend of mine believes “the average pastor stays two years too long.” By the time the minister figures out that he or she has lost their effectiveness, a turn-around under their leadership is unlikely. I remember sitting in the living room with a clergy couple hearing the minister lament: “John, I don’t know what I can do the next five years that I haven’t tried the past five years.” This minister followed a founding pastor who had loved and served that congregation for twenty-five years—and had remained in the congregation (a topic for another article). Several hundred people had left the church under this new pastor’s leadership. My response to his confession was: “Ted, perhaps you need the release the church to someone else who may be able to move it forward.” Unfortunately, unlike the story above, this pastor left grudgingly, and years later still has a bitter spirit over his forced exit.

On a more positive note let me relate the story of another pastor who seems to transition at just the right time. He served for fifteen years in New England, then 15 years in the mid-west. Even though his ministry was flourishing in a suburb of Chicago, at age 52 he realized that he either had to remain at his present church until retirement, or he had to transition now. He figured: “I can put in 15 years in another church if I move now, but if I wait a few more years, the window may close. No one is looking for a 55+ year senior pastor.” He accepted a call from a church in California, and is enjoying another fruitful season of service. Perhaps, not just in comedy, but also in ministry, “timing is everything!”

Sometimes I think we make the Christian life overly mystical. Sure, the Bible speaks of mystery, but it also illustrates simplicity. Although it affirms “the Lord determines [a person’s] steps” (Proverbs 16:9 TNIV), it also assumes a sound decision-making process. Jesus said, “For which of you, intending to build a tower does not first sit down and estimate the cost, to see whether he has enough to complete it? . . . Or what king going out to wage war against another king, will not sit down and consider first whether he is able with 10,000 to oppose the one who comes against him with 20,000? (Luke 14:28, 31 NRSV).

Just as rationality is part of the Imago Dei, making choices is as naturally human as breathing. People (including ministers) make decisions about what to wear, what type of car to drive, where to live and with whom to spend time. Among the weightiest decisions a pastor must make is whether to seek a new place of ministry.

So let me share with you twenty signals worth consideration by pastors who are wrestling with “should I stay or should I leave?” The more items in the “Red Light” category, the more reason to remain in one’s present congregation. The more responses cluster in the “Green Light” category, the more evidence a change may be in order. Where a pastor places himself or herself, and how much weight each factor is given, will shed light on the wisdom of a transition. None of the factors are a mandate to move. But they can bring insight into what is happening within the church and the pastor. They can serve as discussion points for good decision-making.

 
CONGREGATIONAL SIGNALS

RED LIGHT
Congregational Hunger
Congregational Vulnerability
Inadequate Lay Leadership
Vibrance and Growth
Generous Giving

GREEN LIGHT
Congregational Apathy
Congregational Stability
Abundant Trained Leadership
Stagnation and Decline
Shortage of Finances

 
PERSONAL SIGNALS

RED LIGHT
Authenticity Accepted
Good Giftedness Match
Enthusiasm for the Task
Challenging Work
More Dreams and Visions
Good Opportunity for Impact
Family Happy and Growing
Appropriate Compensation

GREEN LIGHT
Stifled Personality
Poor Giftedness Match
Restlessness or Withdrawal
Job Mundane or Overwhelming
Silence or Nightmares
Limited Opportunity for Impact
Family Distressed and Stifled
Insufficient Compensation

 
PASTOR/PEOPLE SIGNALS

RED LIGHT
Good Socio-Cultural Fit
Tenure Less than Six Years
Compatibility with Staff
High Integrity and Credibility
Unity and Encouragement
Annual Evaluation Affirms Ministry
Advisors Confirm Ministry

GREEN LIGHT
Poor Socio-Cultural Fit
Tenure More than Six Years
Poor Staff or Key Relationships
Low Integrity and Credibility
Resistance and Conflict
Board Requests Major Changes
Advisors Suggest a Change

I wish I had time to unpack these signals for you, and I wish we had space to detail the scriptures that support them and the clergy examples that illustrate them. But for now, my hope is that pastors perform their due diligence in transitions. Yes, God sovereignly leads, but he also holds us accountable for decisions. The Apostle Paul acknowledged, “I labor, with his energy” (Colossians 1:29). So let’s serve with all our hearts, in the harvest fields that are whitest for the wiring and resources that God has specifically entrusted to each of us.

Dr. John Cionca, who is professor of ministry leadership at Bethel Seminary, wrote this article on behalf of North Central Ministry Development Center. His book is Before You Move: A Guide to Making Transitions in Ministry, Revised edition, available at Amazon.com

For additional information about programs, workshops, and retreats related to pastoral transitions, please contact Dr. Mark Sundby, North Central Ministry Development Center, at 651-636-5120 or ncmdc@comcast.net

There are external obstacles that church leaders face when trying to maintain a private life. We live in a culture that is rooted in a Protestant work ethic that promotes the idea that hard work and worthiness go hand in hand. Even though we know that this is a distortion of the Protestant movement, which actually emphasized the idea of God’s grace freely given, as pastoral leaders we can easily get caught up in proving ourselves through hard work. The role of pastor has been described as the last of the generalist professions in our society, and although this allows for tremendous variety of roles and activities, it also creates confusion and ambiguity about how much the role encompasses. Add to this the expectations of some parishioners that the pastor will be available at all times and be “all things to all people,” and we easily have the recipe for a twenty-four/seven job, which ultimately, almost inevitably, leads to burnout.

We also bring with us personal histories and internalized roles that can block us from allowing ourselves time for a private life. At North Central Ministry Development Center, we have the opportunity to work with candidates for ordination within various denominations. When we explore family roles with them, it is common to hear variations on the theme of “hero” or “clown” (to borrow language from the recovery literature). When we bring these familiar roles with us into ministry, the church “family” can provide fertile ground for maintaining them and even encouraging them to grow into more pronounced forms. Hence, the hero becomes the responsible, over-functioning minister who perceives that the success or failure of an enterprise rests entirely on his or her shoulders. Likewise, the clown becomes the pastor who attempts to please everyone and keep the peace at all costs.

Therefore, in order to lead an interesting private life, we may first have to deepen our awareness of the roles and messages that keep us stuck in life-draining patterns. This may involve reaching out for resources such as support systems, spiritual direction, psychotherapy or coaching that allow us to admit our vulnerabilities and receive a fuller sense of who we are in return. It is especially important for spiritual leaders to have support systems where we can be “out of role” and allow others to manage things and care for us. As I work with pastoral leaders, I find that it is often the ones who try to “go it alone” that find themselves eventually in the deepest trouble.

There are also some life management skills that are necessary in order to create the kind of balance that allows for a private life. Two of the most important ones, from my perspective, are time management skills and assertiveness skills. In terms of time management, it is a truism that when we say yes to one thing, we are, at the same time, saying no to something else. In the ministry, this often means we are saying no to time spent with our own families and friends or time spent pursuing interests that bring joy to our lives. Therefore, learning how to set priorities is essential, and in order to set priorities, we also have to be able to stand up for our own needs. Therefore, becoming comfortable in our ability to appropriately assert our perspective is also helpful.

Once we have worked through some of the barriers, what might an interesting private life encompass? First, it needs to include some elements of self-care. Although pastors may talk about the body as a temple of the Holy Spirit, many clergy ignore their physical needs. In a recent survey of religious leaders sponsored by Pulpit and Pew, results indicated that 76% of clergy are either overweight or obese, a higher percentage than what is found in the general population (61% of Americans are overweight or obese according to the 1999 Surgeon General’s report). Being able to take time for exercise and healthy meals obviously contributes to our overall well-being and energy level.

Another important aspect is finding space and time to feed our own souls. It is often difficult for pastors to experience Sabbath time for themselves in the midst of leading worship for others. Dorothy Bass, in her thoughtful book, Receiving the Day, uses an example from Eugene Peterson to illustrate one model of Sabbath time. Peterson, a Presbyterian minister and author, would keep Sabbath every Monday with his wife after his busiest day was over. “In all kinds of weather, they drove to the country, read a psalm aloud, and then hiked in silence for several hours. A quiet evening at home rounded out the day. The regularity and ritual quality of this restful time echoed what he was helping the members of his congregation experience on Sundays” (p. 72).

Leading an interesting private life also means pursuing interests and activities that bring us joy, yet may not contribute in any direct way to the life of the church. By engaging in hobbies, sports, the arts, expressive/reflective work, to name a few, we may be able to cultivate a sense of play and delight in life’s small pleasures. These pursuits also allow us to get in touch with different gifts and qualities within ourselves, and this, in turn, may enhance our ministry to others. Taking time for vacations and days off weekly also promotes a sense of perspective away from the stresses of ministry.

Finally, an interesting private life contains reciprocal relationships, those relationships in which the pastor can both give and receive care from others. Being a pastor is frequently described as a “lonely job.” Clergy will often acknowledge that they don’t have close friendships outside of their family or their church. Yet it is important to have friendships with people that allow us to be “out of role,” and these friendships usually don’t happen by accident, but require intentionally maintaining the supports we already have and reaching out for new ones.

Clergy who maintain interesting private lives will discover many benefits. First, caring for ourselves gives us a stable base from which to serve others. It also encourages us to keep clearer interpersonal boundaries. Because we are meeting many of our needs outside of our ministry setting, we are less likely to live vicariously through the lives of our parishioners and possibly overstep ethical lines in the process. We are also less likely to become emotionally “hooked” by alliances and conflicts within the church because we can step back and seek support and perspective elsewhere. Leading an interesting private life also allows us to have a deeper sense of our own identity, which means we can bring a more integrated approach to our ministry. Just as we need a sense of identity in order to fully enter into an intimate relationship, so we need an “authentic self” to be in genuine partnership with a church or ministry setting.

Finally, an interesting private life can free us up to enjoy the present moment, and therefore, bring a sense of joy and grace to our ministry rather than one of duty and underlying resentment. We might recall the story of the woman who anointed Jesus’ head with expensive oil, alarming his disciples because they considered this to be a wasteful act. However, Jesus understood that she was doing a beautiful thing by anointing his body before burial, and he as a giver of compassion, was also able to accept this gift of compassion from her. Wayne Muller, in his book, Sabbath; Restoring the Sacred Rhythm of Rest, responds eloquently to this story:

Our reluctance to rest?our belief that our joy and delight may somehow steal from the poor, or add to the sorrows of those who suffer?is a dangerous and corrosive myth, because it creates the illusion that service to others is a painful and dreary thing. Jesus says there will always be opportunities to be kind and generous. Just as there is a time for every purpose under heaven, so is there a time for nourishment and joy, especially among those who would serve (p. 49).

Leading an interesting private life is about discovering and spending time with sources of nourishment and joy. These moments in turn will sustain us and allow us to bring a greater sense of ease and wholeness to our ministry.

Mary Honstead, Ph.D.

Licensed Psychologist